I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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