Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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