dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
