I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
