I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
