Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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