I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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