I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
