note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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