Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
it glows. i had to have it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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