Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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