I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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