I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
