I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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