Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
