I murdered the dance floor call the cops
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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