I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you had me at cake vodka
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
