I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
