Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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