Your face is a jimmy john
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
