Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
you had me at cake vodka
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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