isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
