my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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