I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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