do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
