Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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