Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
organizing the empties. That sober.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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