Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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