Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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