How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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