ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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