It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
