Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
