I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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