Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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