if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
