I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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