Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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