I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
