My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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