No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
