so that wasnt chicken after all
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
