y did u give ur computer a hand job?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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