don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize