i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
