Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
