Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
