Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
