The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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