Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I will pee on everything he values.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
