I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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