I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
