Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
