Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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