hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
