Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
