everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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