i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
