I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
How's work?
Spinning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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