I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
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