Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
